Turning 56 and the concept of shame

I've been feeling an intense sadness lately - get swept by it once or twice a day. I don't feel like it is a matter of age or turning 56, but there is an awareness of the passage of time that does impact on it.

And the realization that I have failed on many accounts with my children, with people in general. On one hand I feel like I start out with good intentions with most relationships, but then something happens (me?) and the relationship craters. Or if I am feeling pitiful, then I feel like it happens TO me.

Recently I was asked by a friend of ours to build a website for his business. I told him and his wife that I didn't want to - that I would prefer to keep our relationship on a friend-basis. Then he had a big event coming up and a newspaper article about the event, that seemed like it would draw web-based business in. He asked again for me to put up information so sales could take place from the site. So I stayed up late a couple of nights and put some information up. When his wife found out she was furious and screamed at me, so I left and took it down immediately. She later sent me a message and explained that the site was to be her responsibility and listed her reasons for not wanting any online sales at the time, but essentially blamed me for behaving badly.

It was a horrible experience and one that makes me cringe - react physically - whenever I think about it.

I have obviously alienated Jono's wife in some fashion - and on this one - I don't have a clue. Thank goodness she lives 6000 miles away and the possibility of us ever being face-to-face is slim to nil. Perhaps - undoubtedly - because I told him I was disappointed that he can't pay child support for the child he abandoned here in the U.S. In a very weird way, it is lucky that he doesn't, because he can't come home to the U.S. as long as he doesn't pay. And since there will always be cars, guitars, and things he wants in England, the chances of him paying that child support are very narrow.

And although I would love it to be some other way, I don't see our financial situation being strong enough to allow us to go to England to visit.

I find it horrific that Jamie was arrested and convicted on a felony theft charge. Although he served his time and remains teetering in probation, I make sure I never breathe a word about him in public or to friends. I don't know what else to do, because I am deeply disappointed and ashamed of his behavior.

I think the concept of shame has disappeared from the world.

November 12

I have been feeling very disconnected from the world this week.